Friday, January 30, 2009

Pregnancy, Perusing, Pondering, and Procrastinating

"There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."~~~~Nelson Mandela

For anyone left out there checking my blog, after months of my absence, I just wanted to let you know, that I am alive and well and have committed to posting regularly again.

My life has changed quite a bit in the last five months. In September, I found out I am pregnant! YaY! My hubby and I are thrilled. We found out last week that we are having a boy. Here's a picture from my ultrasound of little Rylan Sawyer, who is expected to be born around June 8.
So here's a relatively short recap of the last five months.....


My husband and I were secretly trying for four months and found out we succeeded in late September. The moment the stick turned pink, we cried, laughed, celebrated and jumped up and down. Later that evening, as we got into bed, I rested my hands on my stomach and stared down at my belly. My husband asked, "What are you thinking about?" I immediately burst into tears and answered, "That it's just gonna get bigger and bigger until I have to push it out!" Needless to say, I'm having a little anxiety about giving birth. :)

I was very sick in the beginning, but I'm much better now and I'm looking forward to being a mom.

The last few months, I've been up to my eyebrows in books; books on all different topics, written by all sorts of people. When I was going through the sickest part of my pregnancy, curling up with a good book was the best comfort to me. But all that reading, left with many challenges. Many viewpoints to wade through, to consider, reconsider, and respond to in my own heart. Which accounts for the next part of my hiatus.........


Reading a plethora of books on the topics of parenting, pregnancy, theology, marriage, sex, women's roles, emergent thought, anti-emergent thought and biblical interpretation (to name a few) has propelled me into a very conflicting place. On the one hand, I have never felt closer to God as I've been searching through "uncharted territory" (at least uncharted by me). I've realized what a gift the body of Christ is, how God uses His children to encourage and challenge each other with their own experiences and unique perspectives on faith. I've also been challenged by the works of those outside the Christian faith who present some thoughtful questions, concerns and critiques of the church. I've been thinking, rethinking, examining, deconstructing, embracing, rejecting, balancing and searching. Most of all, I've been appreciating the abundance of avenues through which God reveals Himself in part, finding truth in the oddest of places and people.

On the other hand, the more I see "Aslan" in the dark woods ahead, where others think He doesn't go, the more disconnected I feel from my former life. It was so much easier to uncritically accept the specific viewpoints spoon-fed to me, instead of wading through the myriad of viewpoints within the Christian faith and allowing for some gray. So stepping out and reinforcing some of my old beliefs, while revamping others and embracing some new/enhanced ones, feels difficult and vulnerable. I've had my feelings hurt quite a bit recently (mostly likely exasperated by the hormones from pregnancy), and encouraged my retreat into private searching and questioning. But my faith in Jesus and His transformative gospel has never been so alive, so I know it's been worth it and continues to be worth it, and I can only hope my old and new friends will stick by me in this journey. Which leads up to the next part of the past 5 months..........


I never really intended to take a break from blogging. I sort of said to myself, "tomorrow, I'll get back on there..." When I last left off, I was juggling three jobs, a new roomie, a new pregnancy, morning sickness, and a sudden spurt of introverted-ness as discussed above. All of this led to procrastinating in regards to this blog. But I've really missed it and so I am putting an end to the procrastinating. I do plan to weave in the rest of the women's study in the midst of some other posts.