We're Coming Out of the Closet...
And it may be the second hardest closet to come out of amidst conservative christian culture. My husband and I have made a commitment NOT to spank our child. This decision has come off the heels of much research, experience, prayer, and conviction.I considered keeping this information private, as I do with much of a my personal life, but child rearing is uncharted territory for us, and I know I need the support of my friends, family, and faith community. I don't care if Hillary Clinton said it or not, I *do* believe it takes a village to raise a child well. I am a new mother and I do not have all the answers to parenting--and I doubt anyone, new or seasoned, really does.
So while we are confident and settled on our decision for our family, we openly acknowledge that we have no idea what we are in for, that we will make tons of mistakes along the way, and will not always live up to the disciplinary ideals we have chosen.
Like sailors embarking upon unknown waters, we have prepared for the trip with patient sails, directed rudders, gentle oars, and a firm steering wheel, but choose to forgo the use of jet propellers that promise to get us farther faster because they also happen to make everyone on board seasick.So, this is not an anti-spanking tirade to condemn parents who do choose to spank their children (I have many dear friends who spank, and I admire most of them very much as parents for their love and commitment to the well being and healthy development of their children).
But, growing up in the evangelical church, spanking is not only presented as *a* disciplinary tool, but THE disciplinary tool, mandated by God. Some teach that parents who do not spank are in sin, that they hate their children, and are committing a grave disservice against their children. In such circles, spanking as become synonymous with discipline--therefore, if one does not spank, one also does not discipline. This reality makes choosing not to spank a very fearful decision. It creates an environment where parents become inclined to hide the fact that they do not spank lest they endure the barrage of concerned lectures, passionate rebukes, and head-shaking "I told you so's," every time their child misbehaves.
Unlike most of my posts, this is not me on a soapbox trying to convince others to take a certain position, but sharing our journey in coming to this decision in hopes that my friends, even the ones who will vehemently disagree, will grant us their support. And to encourage others wrestling with the same issue.
Unlike most of my posts, this is not me on a soapbox trying to convince others to take a certain position, but sharing our journey in coming to this decision in hopes that my friends, even the ones who will vehemently disagree, will grant us their support. And to encourage others wrestling with the same issue.
The next few posts will elaborate on how and why we have come to this decision.
Our reasons for not spanking can be divided into three main categories :
1. Biblical Understanding
2. Personal Conviction/Personal Goals
3.Personal Weakness
1. Biblical Understanding
2. Personal Conviction/Personal Goals
3.Personal Weakness
More to come soon!
3 comments:
Tia,
Thank you for sharing. My daughter is nine and I made the decision not to spank shortly before she was born as well. Like you, I respect the views of those who choose a different path.
I was severely abused as a child, so for me the decision was simple. I am a firm and fair and loving disciplinarian, but I am not perfect. There are times where I feel my voice has been raised too loud or my actions too reactionary. That said, she knows she is loved and she has a great sense of self and a great love for her family.
You do the best you can and it is wonderful that you two are thinking through some of the important things now.
It will amaze you what comes later. I remember feeling blindsided by the whole thought of how to talk about "stranger danger" without selling fear and a few other challenging moments as a parent. The teen years are just around the corner so my work is still cut out for me.
This was a lovely post.
Blessings to you, Tia Lynn.
Do what you feel is right,no matter what others think.
As long as you believe in your heart that what you are doing is right, and you otherwise have boundaries and consequences and stick to them, it will be well.
When our boys were little we spanked frequently, once they hit about 5 or 6, we just stopped--it didn't seem appropriate FOR THEM anymore. With my daughter, we never spanked--it didn't work for HER.
Anyway, I stress over and over: as long as you are sure of yourself, no matter what your decision, it WILL be the right one from them: because what they need is for you to be sure of yourself. If you do that, even if you make 'mistakes', you will have done the right thing.
Peace and good luck!
-pete
Post a Comment